Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Ok so truthfully how I am doing? Not good :( My heart still breaks over him and everyday I am faced with that hurt. IT really sucks and truthfully I dont think there are too many people who understand what I am going through. And some people dont even care how bad I hurt, like this one lady in particular I told her about what i am going through and I didnt even get a " I am sorry". I mean what is up with that? Truthfully I dont even care anymore. Why should I care about people who treat me like trash? Well I know the answer and that is I am a caring person, but what is up with people treating me so bad for and what have I done to deserve such treatment. I am so HURT and its like everyone is like " Ok time for you to move on". When truthfully I do miss Tim and I miss him bad. Before the whole lets call off the engagement thing, everything was perfect. I mean he accepted me for who I am, never one time did he tell me that I needed to change and he LOVED me. But now I am faced with the what if there is no one better, what if he was the best I could do? No one remotely knows how everyday I think about him and how I still have feelings for him, how I have to fight back tears on a daily basis, how I wonder if he was faithful to me, and the big one.....DID HE REALLY LOVE ME? Everyday I think about these questions plus other ones that I just choose not to post on here.

This sucks so bad, when everyday I hear something about a wedding or I get asked you dating someone, you have a husband and so on and then I get to give the "spill" on how I was engaged and he called me up and said " I NO LONGER WANT TO GET MARRIED", how yeah that is so much fun!!!!!!! And then I hear the " I AM SORRY", " WELL THEIR IS SOMEONE ELSE FOR YOU" " YOU ARE BETTER THAN HE IS" and so on. You know what I need, is someone to listen to me and let me get this off of my chest.

Well I am going to go for now......

Sunday, October 4, 2009


So I havent wrote in a while and well some things have happened.....

Well lets see two and a half weeks after the wedding was called off I was broke up with via text message. Yeah and again this was while I was at work, what is up with that? I mean he already stuck a knife in my heart so I guess he decided to kick it on through and kill my heart. I dont even know how to feel after that one. But then after that blow I got advice that I didnt even ask for and told things that was further than the truth. One person in particular told me that i wasnt allowing God's will to be done in my life. Ok, first of all I know that this break up was God's will and I do allow God's will to be done in my life. So before someone tells me that you need to take a hard look at their life and then that same person told me that next time "don't give your heart away so quickly"...My response is MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS. Who is this person to tell me when to fall in love and so on? I was so hurt that day and then she preceeded to tell me this, yeah lets put more hurt on Courtney and make her feel even more stupid and hurt than what I already felt.

I still feel humilated cause everytime I turn around I have to tell everyone that ask what happened. I mean how much fun is it that I have to stand there and look at everyone and tell them that this guy that I love has rejected me. Yeah it su.cks and I have to relive it everytime. And it is like it happens all over again but at the same though I am lucky that I have people to help me through all of this.

I am also thankful that I have God in my life cause he is the best thing in my life other than family and friends. People have honestly shocked me with their support and the people that you think would be there for you and offering love, support and prayers well they haven't. And you know what that hurts too. Anymore I dont even try to figure people out cause what is the point?

Last night I finally broke and what was the breaking point last night? A wedding cake (yeah I know stupid) and after that I preceeded to cry for about an hour straight last night and even right now I am crying cause he hurt me so bad. You know I have been hurt alot but this just puts the frosting on the cake. I mean how do you tell someone that you love them and want to spend the rest of your life with them and then call you up at work and tell you I dont want to marry you anymore? Explain that one. I also think that he was cheating on me, well if he was I hope that she is better than me, cause I treated that bastard good. I am not even going to write what I am thinking right now cause it isn't very lady like.

I am sorry if this blog doesnt make much sense....

Saturday, September 19, 2009


Well today has made a week since my engagement was called off and well it still sucks. Granted I dont hurt as bad as I did but still it hurts. Everyone tells me it is ok but i honestly wonder is it?
I cant even begin to tell you how many times a day I think about it and if i done anything wrong. What caused him to change his mind and what i did to cause him to change his mind. In some way I think its my fault and honestly I don't know why. I know everything happens for a reason but you can't help but to wonder why it happens. I want to know if I done anything for him to change his mind. Right now I am bag of mixed emotions and truthfully I just really want to cry but should i even cry over this.

Truthfully I want to throw myself on the ground and kick, scream and cry and get all of this out of me but people would tell me not too. This hurts me so bad. I dont even think he has a clue to how bad he has hurt me and I doubt he ever will. Truthfully I feel rejected like I am not good enough. But at the same time I have fear of what if I cant do better than him. What if he is the best i can do? I am mentally drained and I know its the good Lord helping me through this and the support of family and friends.

Everytime I start to think that I am doing good something happens to make me start thinking about all that has happened. Wednesday just sucked so bad, I know it was the good Lord that helped me through that day. My seventeen year old cousin came in and she had the most beautiful ring on her left ring finger and I asked if she was engaged and she said no it was a "promise" ring and that just devastated me. Simply for the fact that I cant even get a promise. That caused me to hurt and I know that alot of people are reading this and saying to themselves she just needs to get over this but it hurts and I know that eventually I will get over it but for the time being I can only deal with one thing at a time.

I know that this blog probably doesnt make much sense but I am writing what I am feeling and basically what is going through my head.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

no more wedding

Well I no longer get to plan a wedding :(

Early this morning Tim called me and told me that he didnt want to get married anymore. That we was rushing into things and that he was scared. And when i called him back later I was told that he felt smothered. That is how I was told that my engagement was over.

I feel so stupid for the fact that I let my guard down and this is what happens i get hit in the face. I feel humilated for telling people that I was engaged that now I have to tell them that I am no longer engaged. I feel hurt but mainly I feel stupid for going into bridal stores and looking at dresses and trying them on and wasting the bridal store employees time now. But mainly I feel stupid that I actually thought that i was getting married. I can't help but to cry cause i am that hurt.

How do you smother someone when you only spend a day or two a week with that person? I have yet to figure that one out. I dont understand how one day you are talking about getting married and the next being told you are smothering that person.

I let my guard down and this is what happens...