blahhhhh

Well today has made a week since my engagement was called off and well it still sucks. Granted I dont hurt as bad as I did but still it hurts. Everyone tells me it is ok but i honestly wonder is it?
I cant even begin to tell you how many times a day I think about it and if i done anything wrong. What caused him to change his mind and what i did to cause him to change his mind. In some way I think its my fault and honestly I don't know why. I know everything happens for a reason but you can't help but to wonder why it happens. I want to know if I done anything for him to change his mind. Right now I am bag of mixed emotions and truthfully I just really want to cry but should i even cry over this.

Truthfully I want to throw myself on the ground and kick, scream and cry and get all of this out of me but people would tell me not too. This hurts me so bad. I dont even think he has a clue to how bad he has hurt me and I doubt he ever will. Truthfully I feel rejected like I am not good enough. But at the same time I have fear of what if I cant do better than him. What if he is the best i can do? I am mentally drained and I know its the good Lord helping me through this and the support of family and friends.

Everytime I start to think that I am doing good something happens to make me start thinking about all that has happened. Wednesday just sucked so bad, I know it was the good Lord that helped me through that day. My seventeen year old cousin came in and she had the most beautiful ring on her left ring finger and I asked if she was engaged and she said no it was a "promise" ring and that just devastated me. Simply for the fact that I cant even get a promise. That caused me to hurt and I know that alot of people are reading this and saying to themselves she just needs to get over this but it hurts and I know that eventually I will get over it but for the time being I can only deal with one thing at a time.

I know that this blog probably doesnt make much sense but I am writing what I am feeling and basically what is going through my head.

no more wedding

Well I no longer get to plan a wedding :(

Early this morning Tim called me and told me that he didnt want to get married anymore. That we was rushing into things and that he was scared. And when i called him back later I was told that he felt smothered. That is how I was told that my engagement was over.

I feel so stupid for the fact that I let my guard down and this is what happens i get hit in the face. I feel humilated for telling people that I was engaged that now I have to tell them that I am no longer engaged. I feel hurt but mainly I feel stupid for going into bridal stores and looking at dresses and trying them on and wasting the bridal store employees time now. But mainly I feel stupid that I actually thought that i was getting married. I can't help but to cry cause i am that hurt.

How do you smother someone when you only spend a day or two a week with that person? I have yet to figure that one out. I dont understand how one day you are talking about getting married and the next being told you are smothering that person.

I let my guard down and this is what happens...