Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Ok so truthfully how I am doing? Not good :( My heart still breaks over him and everyday I am faced with that hurt. IT really sucks and truthfully I dont think there are too many people who understand what I am going through. And some people dont even care how bad I hurt, like this one lady in particular I told her about what i am going through and I didnt even get a " I am sorry". I mean what is up with that? Truthfully I dont even care anymore. Why should I care about people who treat me like trash? Well I know the answer and that is I am a caring person, but what is up with people treating me so bad for and what have I done to deserve such treatment. I am so HURT and its like everyone is like " Ok time for you to move on". When truthfully I do miss Tim and I miss him bad. Before the whole lets call off the engagement thing, everything was perfect. I mean he accepted me for who I am, never one time did he tell me that I needed to change and he LOVED me. But now I am faced with the what if there is no one better, what if he was the best I could do? No one remotely knows how everyday I think about him and how I still have feelings for him, how I have to fight back tears on a daily basis, how I wonder if he was faithful to me, and the big one.....DID HE REALLY LOVE ME? Everyday I think about these questions plus other ones that I just choose not to post on here.

This sucks so bad, when everyday I hear something about a wedding or I get asked you dating someone, you have a husband and so on and then I get to give the "spill" on how I was engaged and he called me up and said " I NO LONGER WANT TO GET MARRIED", how yeah that is so much fun!!!!!!! And then I hear the " I AM SORRY", " WELL THEIR IS SOMEONE ELSE FOR YOU" " YOU ARE BETTER THAN HE IS" and so on. You know what I need, is someone to listen to me and let me get this off of my chest.

Well I am going to go for now......

Sunday, October 4, 2009


So I havent wrote in a while and well some things have happened.....

Well lets see two and a half weeks after the wedding was called off I was broke up with via text message. Yeah and again this was while I was at work, what is up with that? I mean he already stuck a knife in my heart so I guess he decided to kick it on through and kill my heart. I dont even know how to feel after that one. But then after that blow I got advice that I didnt even ask for and told things that was further than the truth. One person in particular told me that i wasnt allowing God's will to be done in my life. Ok, first of all I know that this break up was God's will and I do allow God's will to be done in my life. So before someone tells me that you need to take a hard look at their life and then that same person told me that next time "don't give your heart away so quickly"...My response is MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS. Who is this person to tell me when to fall in love and so on? I was so hurt that day and then she preceeded to tell me this, yeah lets put more hurt on Courtney and make her feel even more stupid and hurt than what I already felt.

I still feel humilated cause everytime I turn around I have to tell everyone that ask what happened. I mean how much fun is it that I have to stand there and look at everyone and tell them that this guy that I love has rejected me. Yeah it su.cks and I have to relive it everytime. And it is like it happens all over again but at the same though I am lucky that I have people to help me through all of this.

I am also thankful that I have God in my life cause he is the best thing in my life other than family and friends. People have honestly shocked me with their support and the people that you think would be there for you and offering love, support and prayers well they haven't. And you know what that hurts too. Anymore I dont even try to figure people out cause what is the point?

Last night I finally broke and what was the breaking point last night? A wedding cake (yeah I know stupid) and after that I preceeded to cry for about an hour straight last night and even right now I am crying cause he hurt me so bad. You know I have been hurt alot but this just puts the frosting on the cake. I mean how do you tell someone that you love them and want to spend the rest of your life with them and then call you up at work and tell you I dont want to marry you anymore? Explain that one. I also think that he was cheating on me, well if he was I hope that she is better than me, cause I treated that bastard good. I am not even going to write what I am thinking right now cause it isn't very lady like.

I am sorry if this blog doesnt make much sense....